In this era of ethnic genuflection and sniffy multiculturalists, the University of Illinois will eliminate Chief Illiniwek as the mascot-slash-cheerleader of the school's basketball and football teams.
What will happen to the Chief when he is terminated? Where will he dance his dance? Will he become homeless like Chief Nock-A-Homa of the Atlanta Braves. In the early '80s, the Braves management tore down his teepee in left field to build more seats.
As compassionate, diversity-hearted, Fighting Illini sports fans, we can't allow Chief Illiniwek to become homeless. We must, on the unavoidable day of the Chief's expulsion, invite him to live here in dear old Oak Park.
Oak Park needs the Chief. Oak Park has a serious shortage of Native-Americans. I have ridden my bike on just about every street in this village, and I have yet to see a hogan, a wigwam, or a casino anywhere. How can a village call itself diverse without the presence of Native-Americans?
If the Chief lived here, he could provide us with many benefits. He could lead the parade at the Ethnic Fest. He could teach the children of Oak Park his dance and the finer elements of war hoops. War hoops are a lost art. When people do it now, it just sounds pathetic, like a momma's boy who just got kicked in the pants.
The Chief could set up his tepee in one of the many parks. There, he could live off rats, mice, and stray cats and dogs. This would spare the village the expense of animal control officers, and an animal shelter, saving the village vast amounts of tax money.
The Chief would benefit from living here as well. I understand many University of Illinois professors live in Oak Park. They could look after him, teach him the white man's ways, such as how to drink firewater and how to drive while talking on a cell phone.
So come on, New Leadership Party people. Put Chief Illiniwek at the top of your agenda.