By John Hubbuch
I was going to write about the proposed low-income development for the old Comcast Building or the possibility of closing the high school's campus, but let's be honest, everything that needs to be said about these dueling teapot tempests has been said. Let's have a vote, and get on with it. Besides only a tiny vocal percentage of villagers really care about these issues.
Instead I'd like to look at an issue that all of the planet deeply cares about — Oprah Winfrey's TV show is going off the air. We mourn the passing of the show, yet celebrate her greatness. We were titillated about the details of the many celebrities who have promoted their lame books, movies and projects on her shows over the years, and who journeyed to the United Center to tape her final show that will air today. It promises to be bigger than Kate and William's wedding or Charlie Sheen's one man show. There were even rumors that bin Laden was going to make a surprise appearance, but it just didn't work out.
Now I for one will not be watching that final show. To be sure, she has done some good. That good has been well documented because every good thing she has ever done in her life has been the subject of her TV show. Whatever happened to the Dickensian anonymous benefactor? There's that school in South Africa. I would have done a school in Chicago, but hey. She got people to read more books. She discovered and publicized that eating fatty foods and getting no exercise was bad for you. Brilliant. And she brought to our attention that there are some really weird people and diseases in the world we live in. Good to know.
However, in the interest of being fair and balanced, I am willing to courageously make the case against Oprah Winfrey. As a retired lawyer I know that every defendant has a right to a defense. So just consider me as you would John Wayne Gacy's defender except I'm defending Oprah-haters.
Count I: Oprah sits at the top of Ego Mountain. Bulls playoff games are shifted and Michigan Avenue is closed down because Oprah demands the adulation of the masses. Her entrances would make Caesar returning from Gaul jealous. Somewhere along the way the laudable movement to increase self-esteem got hijacked, and we wound up with Oprah and Jersey Shore.
Count II: She is the high priest of Materialism. The annual show when hundreds of orgiastic women scream and cry tears of joy because Oprah gives them a bunch of donated decorative landfill in her "My Favorite Things" show is disgusting. Ask Dr. Phil if perfume, soap, watches and jewelry can fill the holes in your life.
Count III: And then there is Oprah's ridiculous message of false hope that you can somehow imagine a better life using the hocus-pocus of positive energy and positive thinking to transform your crappy life. Easy for you to dream, Oprah. But morning inspiration fades with the quotidian existence of a boring job, car repairs, special needs children and alcoholic spouses. Listening to Oprah actually makes us feel worse because we see the inspirational stories, but realize it's never going to happen for us because we just weren't good enough.
I don't want to close on such a negative note, so I offer this bit of inspiration. Oprah may be gone for now from our flat screens, but there is always hope that she might triumphantly return. If Jesus can return, then so can Oprah.