I'm holding a press conference! Come one come all to the biggest event since man walked on the moon, since Michael Jackson did the moonwalk, since Randy Moss mooned Green Bay. I may only do this once in a blue moon.
I'm telling you Vogue, Sports Illustrated, Maxim, GQ, and Better Homes and Garden are all invited, and I'm sure to be on the cover of every one of these mags. I'll be nonchalantly covering up my naked pregnant body for the Vogue cover, praying intensely while wearing a Cubs-edition frock for the SI cover, donning nothing but body paint and a fedora for the Maxim cover, smoking a stogie, sipping Chianti, wearing a Ralph Lauren tuxedo, while riding a horse and playing polo on the GQ cover, and ?. oh that's enough.
But this is going to be bigger than that Revenge of the Sith thing, bigger than any one of those Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, R. Kelly sex videos. And at my press conference there are sure to be a throng of reporters, from the local broadcast news circuit to the most prestigious and respected of all national media?#34;Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight.
Press conferences are great. Photographers snap your photo vigorously, reporters feverishly scribe every word you speak, and the best thing about it is you get to talk into a PA system.
Why can't I hold a press conference?
New York Yankees player Jason Giambi held a press conference to apologize for knowingly taking performance-enhancing drugs. Mets slugger Mike Piazza once held a press conference to dispute gay rumors. Michael Jordan held three press conferences to retire from the NBA! Press conferences are as hip as trucker caps, low-rider jeans, and those annoying (but charitable) yellow Lance Armstrong wristbands!
And at my press conference I'm going to make my announcement with great, if I may steal a well-received phrase from the governor of Illinois, "testicular virility." Which by the way was said recently by the governor at not one but two press conferences!
Just because of the mere fact that you doubt I can have a press conference, I'm going to hold a press conference announcing an upcoming press conference! That's right!
Hey, if local high school basketball phenom Jon Scheyer can hold a press conference to announce what college he'll be playing for next season, then I can. Scheyer last week teased the media and everyone else by narrowing down his list of college scholarship offers one press conference at a time. With Illinois and Duke in the running the 6-foot-6-inch All-Stater made a final announcement at his high school, Glenbrook North, last week and basically said "Illinois, it's been fun, but the Carolina skies are a'callin. So long."
Scheyer didn't actually say anything like that, but holding a press conference, something I'm sure the school suggested, insinuates a bit of arrogance. I feel sorry for him now. Scheyer's only a junior. What's he going to do for press conferences next year? Announce his retirement from high school basketball?
If you don't hold at least one press conference per day, you should, at the very least, fire your publicist, just so you can hold a press conference afterwards. There are press conferences for everything: Pre-event press conferences, post-event press conferences, final press conferences, and pre-post event final press conferences.
And if you're going to have a press conference, it's wise to get the most notorious and well-coifed press conference guru in all of sports: Don King. The man will pontificate at your press conference with great flair. Don't worry, all those odd-ball references from John the Baptist to Renee Zellwegger will be relevant!
So it's time to hold my press conference. Now if I can just figure out what to say.