New trustee needs super powers!

Opinion

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I have read the qualities the appointed Oak Park trustee must possess and they are all fine qualities, but the village board has neglected the most important quality the new trustee should have. That quality is a super power. Yes people of Oak Park, we need a trustee with super powers.

I think X-ray vision would be particularly helpful. A trustee with X-ray vision could drive down the streets of Oak Park, and with his/her/its penetrating gaze, look into people's homes to see any code violations such as defective wiring, thus, preventing fires.

I know some people of the civil libertarian ilk might object to a trustee with X-ray vision. They would say a trustee with X-ray vision could stare at people and see their unmentionables. However, this would not become a problem so long as the trustee would look at people's unmentionables only for a just and righteous cause.

There are just reasons for scoping out a person's unmentionables. Suppose someone with X-ray vision would have seen the unmentionables of Hitler or Stalin or Saddam Hussein. He could sing out, "I see Mars; I see stars; I see Hitler's underdrawers." Would Hitler have invaded Poland after someone had seen his underdrawers? Of course not, he would have headed back to Austria to become a very successful racist house painter. If someone with X-ray vision could have humiliated Saddam Hussein, he would have never risen to power, and we would not have to see his disgusting underwear slathered all over the newspapers.

I realize not many people have super powers. But that shouldn't stop the village board from trying to find such a person. The village board should ask every prospective trustee, "Do you have any super powers that would benefit the village?"

Byron Lanning
Oak Park

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