The truth about the juice is in the transcripts

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By BRAD SPENCER

Per your request Mr. Spencer here is the written transcript of the House Government Reform Committee's congressional hearing on steroid use in Major League Baseball. We hope that you publish the transcript in its entirety and without misrepresentation.

Thank you and have a nice April Fool's day.

Yours Truly,
Tommy Davis
P.S. Go Cubs!

Opening statement Chairman Thomas Davis (R-Va.): Dearly baseball's beloved, we are gathered here today because it's come to this government's attention that America's pastime is in need of serious reform. Wars, deficits, skyrocketing oil prices, health care troubles, social security uncertainty, inflation, terrorism, these can all wait, for an epidemic of massive proportions has come to the attention of this committee, and it is time someone looks into doing something about it before devastation occurs.

According to an intelligent, exhaustively researched and painstakingly detailed book I read entitled Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big by a wonderfully talented writer and former baseball great, Jose Canseco, it is my impression that several baseball players have aggressively and illegally manipulated their very own bodies merely for the bettering of their baseball abilities. I was also pleased to find that the book had nothing to do with hemorrhoids, something not spelled out in the title.

Anyway, here today we hope to find out how prominent steroid use is in baseball and what, if anything, the league is doing about it. If there aren't any questions, we shall begin.

Bud Selig (Baseball Commissioner): I have just one question, Mr. Davis. If this hearing should end in a tie, can we call it?

Chairman Davis: Let's begin with Sammy Sosa. Sammy, you may read from your prepared statement.

Sammy Sosa (Baltimore Orioles): My name is Sammy Sosa. I am clean. I am leaving early. In a limo. Not a big town car. Thank you. (Sosa kisses his fingers and pats his chest.)

Jose Conseco (former major league player who has admitted to steroid use): Put a cork in it, Sosa! You're as enhanced as Pamela Anderson.

Sosa: I was talking about my hygiene.

Danny Davis (D-Ill., White Sox fan): Mr. Sosa, since we have you under oath and all, on an unrelated topic, please answer this question for the panel: Did you or did you not have knowledge that the bat you took to the plate on June 3, 2003 against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays was indeed corked?

Sosa: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it will incriminate me if I answer that question truthfully.

Mark McGwire (former major league player who has denied allegations that he used steroids): Darn you, Sosa! You're trying to steal my thunder again! I'm refusing to answer questions. Oh well, it's in the past. What's in the past is in the past and I refuse to talk about what's in the past.

Dan Burton (R-Indiana): You do have a propensity to fib, Mr. Sosa. The corked bat, the leaving a game early, steroids ... How do we know you're telling the truth?

Sosa: You can't handle the truth!

Chairman Davis (whispering to Vice Chair Christopher Shays): Make note, next month: Corked Bats, and then after that Cat Fights. We'll be doing these all season long.

Gary I. Wadler (associate professor, clinical medicine, NYU School of Medicine): Just by looking at Mr. Sosa I can definitively state that he is the Dominican Republic's answer to The Incredible Hulk.

Chairman Davis: But what about steroid use, Mr. Wadler?

Wadler: That was a long time ago and my doctor said it would help with puberty!

Donald Fehr (major league players' union executive director): I will holdout every subpoenaed witness here if Sosa doesn't get a limo back to the hotel!

Chairman Davis: We're veering from the subject here. I want people to start telling the truth.

Canseco: Fine, this is basically all my fault anyway. It's time I come clean. I was never with Madonna.

Chairman Davis: Oooh, now that's juicy. Let's get Madonna in here.

CONTACT: bspencer@wjinc.com

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