Despite the fact that I have a very heavy schedule at this time of year, I decided to give you your answers now since you really don't want to wait until you are dead, at which time you won't care anyhow because you'll know [A few questions for the supreme being, Viewpoints, April 20].
So, as you humans say, I'll take a stab at them.
1) Who or what are you? I am who am.
2) Where have you been all of my life? Right behind you.
3) Whatever happened to that aquamarine ring? The kids lost it in the yard.
4) Was I born for a unique reason or purpose? Yes.
5) Was there a particular role I was meant to play in this lifetime? Only insofar as it fulfills question No. 4.
6) How did I do? All the precincts aren't in yet.
7) What is the worst thing I ever did? That which makes you the most ashamed when you contemplate it alone late at night.
8) What was my finest moment? When you did that wonderfully kind thing for which you received no thanks because only you knew about it.
9) In general, do human beings disappoint you? No, because I created them all with a free will. Therefore, they cannot disappoint me. They can, however, make me very happy or very sad. (Remember that "image and likeness" thing? Extrapolate a little.)
10) Do you judge our lives, or do you leave that to us? I created you, how then could I judge you? It would be like judging myself. You'll find that you are quite capable of doing that yourself. All you need is a little self-honesty.
11) Is this heaven or is heaven to be found in life? You are asking the same question twice. Are you trying to trick the Lord thy God?
12) Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe? Absolutely.
13) If so, how soon will they contact Earth? Let me put it this way. If you were the intelligent life elsewhere and you were looking down on Earth and were observing all that is going on, how soon would you make contact?
14) Are there other universes? Universes, dimensions, time warps, you name it. And they are all waiting for you to explore and enjoy.
15) How much longer will earth be able to sustain life? Indefinitely, as long as you don't abort too many of those who will discover the keys to increasing abundance, protecting yourselves from disease and natural disasters, and reversing the damage you have already done to your planet.
16) How much longer will human beings survive as a species? This is the one question that I would rather not answer for personal reasons. I will say that a large part of that answer lies in question 15. The important thing is not how long you last as a species, but what you did as a species.
17) Will humanity eventually evolve into a higher life form? It is my fondest wish for you.
18) Who were my ancestors and what were they like? Haven't you been watching the specials on "Ancient Aliens" on cable?
19) Did my life matter? The fact that you asked the question provides the answer.
20) Was there something I was cut out for that I never discovered? It happens. But remember, there is still time to find it as long as you're alive.
21) Why is living such a struggle? In order to toughen you up for the hard stuff. Besides, some of you enjoy the bragging rights when you get to the other side.
22) Is your management style hands on or hands off? Both. But when it's hands off, I'm still working through people. I guess I'm just funny that way.
23) Do you control everything that happens? Answer: Only to the extent that I started the cosmic ball rolling, so to speak. But much of the "control" is now in your hands. So if you don't do anything stupid, you just might be able to make some truly wondrous changes.
24) Is there a reason bad things happen to good people? No, at least none that you would understand.
25) What is evil? The absolute opposite of my will.
26) Is there hell? Yes, but it is of your own making.
27) What is matter composed of? A minuscule part of my will.
28) How does chaos fit into the plan? It's a little something I threw in to make life interesting.
29) What does it mean in the Bible when you are quoted naming yourself, "I am who am." I thought it would be a self-evident apothegm.
30) Who am I? You are he who did not used to be. Kind of a Johnny-come-lately, if you will.
31) Is life fair? No. See the answer to 28 and 50.
32) Did Oswald act alone? No, you are all responsible to some degree.
33) Are there absolute truths or is truth ever changing? Yes.
34) Do you really need to be praised and worshipped incessantly? Well it's nice to know you care, but personally, I think you could spend the time you have here more judiciously.
35) Which religion comes closest to comprehending you? None, as long as they cause, condone or allow harm to come to any human being, either in their name or on their watch.
36) Are luck and coincidence merely random chance? Sometimes. And sometimes it depends upon who is rolling the dice and why.
37) Was I protected during all those close calls or just lucky? Mostly protected.
38) Were any UFO sightings real? Yes, even the ones that were faked.
39) What is our greatest illusion? That which emanates from your egos.
40) Is everyone saved? If they wish.
41) What works of art pleased you most? I'm kind of partial to that statue outside of Boys Town that depicts the little boy carrying his brother. Regarding the Sistine Chapel, I know Mike meant well, but I'm really not quite that heavy.
42) What is love? Selflessness.
43) If reincarnation exists, how does it work? If reincarnation exists, it works by passing the soul along from person to person until the soul finally gets it right. If you think about it, it would obviate all of that judgment bullshit.
44) Why are you so quiet? You need to listen more.
45) When a person's mind goes, what happens to their soul? It is safely cradled in their body until it becomes time to move on. But if you have known someone like that, did you ever catch a sudden glint in their eyes or in something they said that told you that somewhere deep down they were still there, but just couldn't communicate? Think back.
46) Who really won the 2000 elections? The politicians.
47) Did I ever make you laugh? I'm laughing right now.
48) Do you have a sense of humor? I'm answering your questionnaire aren't I? Also, have you ever seen a platypus?
49) What have you got against the Cubs? Nothing. It's just that one night the Son and the Spirit and I were sitting around, and their name happened to come up in the same subject as billy goats. However, in retrospect, I think it is a perfect demonstration that you don't have to be a smashing success to be greatly loved.
50) Am I worthy to come under your roof? Why not? You have such a great smile.
51) What happens now? The Bulls go all the way.
52) What should I ask that I haven't thought of? The most important question of all: How can I align my will with yours?
Well, it's time to go. I hope this helped a little. Keep on truckin'.
I am who am
P.S. You'll find that if you learn these things yourself, they will sink in better than if I or anyone tells you.
Editor's note: This letter came to Wednesday Journal from the email address firstname.lastname@example.org with no other name, address or contact info.