Also ban fast food, dogs and street jogging for public health

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On to Baghdad!

Nuke-free, gun-free, soon to be smoke-free! But why stop there? Don't make the same mistake as Bush I. That only leads to Bush II. Keep pushing. With a little extra effort, we could clean up Oak Park completely. On to Baghdad!

The state of the public health is a legitimate concern of government. Nothing affects health like diet.

The high-fat, high-carb dishes that citizens consume in the restaurants of our village harm their health much more than the occasional whiff of second-hand smoke. And consider the dangers of second-hand junk food. It is, after all, a known fact that many waiters snack off patrons' leftovers. For their protection, we should act to ensure that only healthful items remain on the plate. Legislation is urgently needed to enumerate the foods that may be served. Keep your pork snouts out of our businesses!

The state of the public health is a legitimate concern of government. Nothing affects health like sanitation.

Speaking of business, the dog excrement smeared about our public parks and ways is certainly as great a hazard as the smoke to be found in some private establishments. It's also much harder to avoid, as any waiter who walks to work will tell you. Any anti-smoking crusader who dares to assert that he would not rather step on an empty pack of Luckies should be forced to head a soccer ball after it has bounced on one of those "picked up" spots in Lindberg Park. Support legislation empowering our police officers to execute summarily any dog not in its yard. Keep your cold wet noses out of our parks!

The state of the public health is a legitimate concern of government. Nothing affects health like getting hit by a car.

Dopes who jog in the street get clipped at a greater rate than the suckers of second-hand smoke. And there are "second-hand" victims here, too. Oh yes. For the innocent driver (often some waiter returning home late at night), it can be worse than hitting a deer. The legs of some joggers keep churning for minutes after they're dead! We must act to prevent this tragedy. Progressive communities have begun to experiment with leg bracelets for recidivist joggers. Once attached, these high-tech bracelets are able to administer a little "reminder" every time the foot-loose felon steps off the curb. Write your village trustees! Let them know today that Oak Park requires this important safeguard to public health.

The state of the public health is a legitimate concern of government. Nothing affects health like ...

In the distance I can see the gleaming minarets! Hark! The muezzin calls! On to Baghdad!

Spare a Camel?

Vince Kenyon
Oak Park

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