I'm considering a new profession, one that may lead to a network sit-com, or a cable reality show, or maybe even a stint as a late-night talk show host. Perhaps I can, from time to time, fill in for Bill Sheft, who writes jokes in Sports Illustrated on a weekly basis. You see, I'm mulling over becoming a stand-up sports comedian. It's hip or trendy to poke fun at people these days, and I'm all about hip and trendy (my Tivo tells me so).
In such an irreverent business, you need a shtick. Mine is that I'm a standup sports comedian, not just a joke-maker, but a joke-maker focused on sports. So put that in your ipod and do with it whatever an ipod does.
In comparison to sports editor at a weekly newspaper, a standup sports comedian works fewer hours, deals with less stress, and the job perks are better (free drinks and all-you-can-eat pretzels).
The only drawback is, oddly, the negative feedback. My current negative feedback consists of the occasional irate e-mail or voicemail. I figure a standup sports comedian's negative feedback comes in the form of hecklers and the occasional empty bottle to the head. So I don't risk head trauma from a blunt instrument, I thought I'd try my first routine out on you. Here goes:
Spring training has begun, which can only mean one thing:
Shaquille O'Neal was recently assessed as overweight when his body mass index was calculated at 31.6 by the Associated Press.
The formula went something like this: 7-feet-1-inches tall x 325 pounds of weight x 1 gigantic ego ?#34; humility = 31.6 BMI (Big Man Idiot percentage)
Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice was recently investigated by the NFL for allegedly heading up and profiting from a Super Bowl ticket-scalping operation.
Can you blame the guy? Fans will pay anything for tickets. I sold four tickets to a Blackhawks game last week.
St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel, once a hot pitching prospect who became burdened with control problems, will now try to make the Bigs as an outfielder.
One problem Ricky, you now have to learn that one important baseball fundamental called hitting the ball.
Six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong announced he will participate in this year's race.
Armstrong has won this thing so many times they should rename it Tour de Lance.
The Illinois basketball team lost its first game of the season last week ironically in its season-ending finale against Ohio State.
There's nothing more shameful than a 29-1 regular season.
Rumor has it Temple head coach John Chaney, who was suspended last month for ordering one of his players to intentionally rough up an opponent, is in the running for head coach of the Indiana Pacers.
Jose Conseco has another book in the making.
It's supposedly going to be focused on revealing baseball's biggest and most controversial mystery: The designated hitter.
All is right with the world again. Democracy is spreading, there's some peace in the Middle East, the economy is stable, and Tiger Woods is back as the No. 1 golfer. We can all rest easy again.
Jimmy Buffett may be allowed to perform two concerts at Wrigley Field in early September. Whether it be at a Cubs game or a Buffett concert, you're Wasting Away Again in Wrigleyville.
You've been great. Enjoy Jellyfish and the Psychedelic Tentacles.
Hey, put that bottle down!
I'll keep my day job.
Brad Spencer is currently experiencing temporary dementia from a botched laser-hair removal procedure. The opinions and viewpoints expressed in this column do not reflect those of the Wednesday Journal.