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By BRAD SPENCER

The real Brad Spencer has left the body. This is his arrogant, sarcastic, and cynical persona, who, for all intents and purposes, has hijacked the poor sap's brain for the writing of this column. It's about time I got my chance to say what's really on his mind.

Before I begin, our lawyers urge me to state that the material you are about to read may be offensive or disgusting to some people. If at any time you feel offended or disgusted during the reading of this material, discontinue reading and quickly find something worthwhile to be offended or disgusted about; there's plenty.

Because I'm rarely given the opportunity to render Brad Spencer's classy, good-natured self inoperable, I want to start with something profound, something that states, in a dignified manner, my own views on the NBA. Here goes: I'd rather watch a dog relieving itself than an NBA game.

To my disappointment, I missed the most mesmerizing play at a Pistons-Magic game a few weeks ago. It wasn't an alley-oop from Chauncey Billups to Rasheed Wallace. It was an alley-poop when an unabashed dog relieved itself midcourt during halftime. The seeing-eye dog, in attendance with a charity organization, expressed my views of the NBA. The games are slow. There's futile defense played. Many of the players are self-absorbed, tattoo-wearing thugs. When it comes to competitiveness, it's obvious how the game hasn't evolved beyond tight shorts to Hefty-bag shorts. Look how many high school kids are being drafted each year!

Let's move on to another sports organization where pride is fleeting, Major League Baseball. This organization and its president Bud Selig have been overthrown in a coup d'état by the players' union. Steroids. The crackdown was more like a scratch on a polyurethane surface. First offense? Ten-day suspension. Second offense? Ten-day suspended sentence and an all expense paid trip to Maui. And amphetamines aren't banned. What a world this organization is.

Moving on ? I need to shorten these up, the real Brad Spencer is awaking from his slumber. If he finds out I wrote this, it's psychiatric ward!

? Three reasons to be worried the end of time is nearing: Shrinking frogs in Hawaii, jumbo squid in California, and the Bulls above .500.

? As part of the festivities for last Sunday's Super Bowl, the Fox network changed the name of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" to "The Best Darn Super Bowl Roadshow." Why the change? "Because what's appropriate for cable TV is not appropriate for broadcast TV," Fox's Lou D'Ermilio told reporters. What's bad for both is Tom Arnold.

? Anheuser-Busch speeds up launch of caffeinated beer. It's a beer infused with caffeine, ginseng and guarana, soon to be the official beverage of Major League Baseball.

? Patrick Lawler walked around with a four-inch nail embedded in his skull for a week. Lawler's nail-gun backfired, and the construction worker didn't realize that the rogue nail had shot through his mouth up into his head. Now how bad was that sneeze-induced strained muscle you suffered last year Sammy Sosa?

? Clint Eastwood's "Million Dollar Baby" is not a movie about women breaking the gender barrier in boxing. It's not even really a movie about boxing. It's a movie about ?I don't really know what it's about and I saw the movie. One thing for sure, the ending will leave someone gasping for air.

? Don't worry, sporting events on television are not being threatened by creative network programming. Rob Morrow and Alan Davidson star in CBS' new crime series based on math solutions, "Numb3rs." Yawn. I'd rather watch an NBA game.

E-mail: Bspencer@wjinc.com

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