The answer to reviving OP's downtown? Botox parties!

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The village board seems determined to keep the Colt building in downtown Oak Park. The majority considers it a valuable historical Art Deco building. However, you wouldn't recognize much Art Deco in it because of all the remod-jobs it has undergone. To find the Art Deco in it now, you'd need some C-4 explosive and a magnifying glass.

Once the Colt building is restored, how will it survive? Art Deco originated in a time flappers flopped their vogue. We do not live in a flapper epoch. We live in a hip-hop age, and hip-hoppers won't shop in the Colt building. They wear bling-bling adornments and baggy pants. All that style and paraphernalia swishes around a lot so hip-hoppers need wide spaces when they pomp down the aisles. The Colt building doesn't offer that kind of room. If they shopped in the Colt building, their bling would collide with another hip-hopper's bling, which is called "dissing my ensemble" in hip-hop lingo.

Members of the "gangsta" factions of hip-hop have "gone Scarface" over the insult and drawn guns for a "bling-bling bang-bang show." Nothing scares away prospective customers quicker than a "bling-bling bang-bang show" because all the store employees are running for cover, so no one mans the cash registers to check out your merchandise. You have to wait and wait until the police arrive. Shoppers today don't have time for delays like that, which means retail won't succeed in the Colt Building.

Without retail, how can the Colt building remain viable?

Just two syllables will answer that question, two syllables when joined together in lexicon conjugality say the word Botox.

Botox is a neurotoxin, possibly the deadliest substance on earth. In spite of its lethal nature, doctors use Botox in a medical cosmetic treatment, to reduce frown lines on foreheads and furrows around the eyes, proving the Nietzchean dictum, "What doesn't kill me makes me prettier."

People often obtain their Botox through Botox parties. While drinking champaign and eating cheese, they get injections of the neurotoxin in the forehead or wherever wrinkles reside. The renovated Colt building with its arcade would make a perfect venue for these Botox parties; and with the support of the village board, downtown Oak Park could become the Botox treatment/party center of the world. Downtown Oak Park has unique advantages for a Botox onset. The village is situated near two airports. It has mass transit. It has hotels and restaurants ready to house and feed Botox revelers.

The village could sponsor combination Botox Frank Lloyd Wright and Botox Ernest Hemingway tour packages. The Hemingway package would feature a visit to the Hemingway Museum with altered photographs of a Botoxed Hemingway. He would look years younger as the neurotoxin erases the damage of the Caribbean sun parboiling his skin for so many years.

The village could offer Botox singles events in which singles could mingle while they get their Botox injection. Singles even could give each other injections, under the supervision of a proper medical authority?#34;like a veterinarian's assistant. Giving injections is a great way to meet people. You never see drug dealers lack for social contacts. They constantly talk on cell phones. Penal scholars call them the most popular people in prison, next to murderers and armed robbers.

Once downtown Oak Park is established as the Botox party town, the village could move into other areas of party-time cosmetic medical treatment such as breast augmentation barbecues or tummy-tuck hops or rhinoplasty soirees or designer butt implant balls. The demand for such procedures is unceasing and offers downtown Oak Park to chance to thrive again.

Byron Lanning
Oak Park

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