By Dan Haley
A transcript of the close of Monday night's Oak Park village board meeting, along with our reporter's shorthand notes:
President Pope: OK, we're going to go around the table for our closing observations. And perhaps this week we can do it in such a way that we don't wind up on the front page of the Trib perpetuating every stereotype people have of our town.
Trustee Lueck: I suppose David that is a veiled reference to me. All I said last time is that as long as we are considering banning texting while driving in Oak Park we should remember there are lots of ways a driver can become distracted. I didn't actually say we should ban eating while driving. It was just a throwaway line. And, by the way, it turns out it really isn't illegal to eat while driving in Wisconsin. I was wrong. Maybe it's Pennsylvania.
At second consecutive meeting, Lueck says Oak Park will enact a ban on eating while driving.
Trustee Salzman: I'm confused. Are we talking about skimming 10 percent off the top of the electrical aggregation savings or adding a 10 percent tax on fast food to discourage people from eating in their cars?
Proposes skimming off the top.
Trustee Hedges: Actually I think we killed the 10 percent tax on the savings from the socialization of electricity in Oak Park. But as the former head of the park district, I can tell you there are a heck of a lot of little moptops around town doing flips and splits. Now that the parks have bought the old Aldi store and are taking it off the tax rolls, I think we could get away with a tax, but we won't call it a tax; we'll call it an investment fee, on all gymnasts four feet and shorter. The Oak Park Gymnastics Investment Act. It could raise a half mil.
Socialized electrical service. Discriminates against tall gymnasts. Half mil.
Trustee Lueck: You know, not all food is equally dangerous while driving. Take a bagel. Put a schmear of cream cheese on it and that's a pretty tight little treat. It won't come apart. Now I'm a social worker not a physicist, but look at a Whopper. The mayo and the tomato and the lettuce, those are like the Slip 'n' Slides of sandwich fixins. You can't keep that sandwich together. Let me make this clear, I'm not making any official proposal, but you drive around eating a Whopper and you're going to kill a person.
Surprisingly, she drops her g's. Dead right about the dangers of a Whopper. And what about a Double Whopper! OMG.
Trustee Brewer: You know, I don't say a lot at these meetings. On the other hand, I've never landed us on the front page of a major daily newspaper with some sort of harebrained comment about mayonnaise. And if you take notice, all those little vermin reporters sitting there are typing away right now. Why they've probably already posted the "Whoppers Will Kill People" headline on their websites.
I wonder if I can post directly to the website. Cool. Did he just call me vermin?
Trustee Tucker: Mr. President, perhaps we should end the practice of making impromptu remarks at least until all of us, but especially Colette, can get some media training on what to say and when to zip it. I think we should hire a media consultant. But these are tax dollars we're spending, so let's cap the contract at $25K. Hard times and all.
Long past time to become a media consultant.