What if we had: E-trustees

Tracking their top secret Internet meetings

Opinion

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BYRON LANNING, One View

It seems Oak Park trustees are having conversations through e-mail. Many citizens of the village wonder what matters they are discussing. Fortunately, the crackpot technologists at my blog www.brain-defying.com/trickytext have intercepted their e-mail messages. I offer some of them to you as a public service:

Sender: Greg Marsey

Subject: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

Hey guys, Wednesday Journal is complaining about our e-mail discussions. They claim we are violating the spirit of the Open Meetings Act. Do you think we can still e-mail each other without raising suspicion? I hope not. Without a private means of communication, we can't complete our secret plan.

Kisses and cabals,

Greg

Sender: Geoff Baker

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

I tremble in fear. Our hope for Metropolitan Heterosexual Redevelopment in Oak Park, of creating the first planned metrosexual community in the world?#34;where men are not assumed to be gay because of their interest in fashion and appearance, where vanity is valued as much as diversity, where men care more about being looked at than questioning themselves, a village full of fop shops, dandy marts, manscaping discount houses, and male vanity super-outlets?#34;is now doomed.

Maybe we should have been honest with the people of Oak Park when we created the New Leadership Party. Maybe we should have run on the ideas of Metropolitan Heterosexual Redevelopment instead of hiding them behind a platform of open government and responsible development.

Damn that Wednesday Journal.

Geoff

"Being metrosexual does not mean you like doing it on a train."

Sender: Bob Milstein

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

We would never have been elected if we didn't conceal our true plan.

Don't worry about Wednesday Journal. Our disinformation campaign against that rag is about to begin. Just read some of the misinformation we will disseminate:

The editor of Wednesday Journal, Dan Haley, often goes through the less-than-20-items checkout line at Dominick's with more than 20 items. And he has his own nuclear weapon in his basement. Although he has a child lock on the trigger, it still violates Oak Park's nuclear free zone.

Senior Editor Ken Trainor had an affair with an opossum. True, he was a single man at the time and the opossum was a very good-looking one far as marsupials go; but still, it was an opossum.

When reporters Drew Carter and Bill Dwyer go to bars and restaurants, they order draft beers in sippy cups.

When we get done with them, they will have no credibility. No one will believe what they say.

AAh HA HA HA! AAH HA HA HA!

Bob (Mastermind is my middle name) Milstein

Sender: Greg Marsey

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

Bob,

I wish you stop with that diabolic laugh. It's so loud, and diabolic laughs are not very metrosexual.

Kisses and Cabals,

Greg

Sender: Bob Milstein

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

Sorry, I get carried away when I'm engaged in propaganda campaigns. How's this?

Aah ha ha ha Aah ha ha ha.

Bob (Mastermind is my middle name) Milstein

Sender: Greg Marsey

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

That's much better. Thanks.

Kisses and Cabals,

Greg

Sender: Geoff Baker

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

I don't know. That piece of disinformation with the sippy cup. That seems sort of metrosexual. Isn't that what we want?

Geoff

"Being metrosexual does not mean you like doing it on a train."

Sender: Bob Milstein

Subject: Re: Stratagem Panic, Our Plot Unearthed

Yes, you're right. We need another lie.

We'll say Dwyer and Carter became involved with Trainor's opossum, and the four of them engaged in some weird quadrupedal love quadrangle which lasted for months until the opossum left them because none of them wanted to make a long-term commitment.

That's the answer!

AAH HA HA HA! AAH HA HA HA!

Sorry, I mean Aah ha ha ha Aah ha ha ha.

Bob (Mastermind is my middle name) Milstein

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