By Brad Spencer
Can't take the scrutiny of males any longer? Everything we do and say is universally regarded as wrong on some level, and not just by women, but by the media and other entities as well. It's time to stand up and defend man — if not mankind — for we are not just inattentive, chicken-wing loving, sports-junky jamokes, but serious, introspective thinkers, unafraid to answer our own hardball (and cornball) questions. For instance:
Is it wrong for a man to be giddy about the upcoming return of Derrick Rose to the basketball court?
No. The Bulls have been hanging in there without Rose, and his return will help ease the pain of the long-dreaded month that is February for us sports fans. Stacey King has never sounded so demure. He makes Neil Funk sound like Dick Vitale, and that makes us sad, so, no, we don't have a problem showing our emotion. What was the question?
Is it wrong for a man to compliment a young woman on her beauty during a college football game in front of a national audience?
No. Brent Musburger laid it on a bit thick during the BCS National Championship in regards to Katherine Webb's attractiveness, but he had every reason to. Webb, the current Ms. Alabama, is not just beautiful, she's stunningly beautiful. And thank god my wife agreed with me when I hastily blurted that out during the game. Can we see another photo just to be sure?
Is it wrong for a man to not be aware of an NHL lockout until the lockout has been unlocked?
No. We're sorry, hockey. We're just not that into you. Besides, you're cold and rigid. But if ever we're deprived of football, basketball and baseball, well we won't hesitate to give you a call. (That is, if we can find your number in that post-apocalyptic world).
Is it wrong for a man to want to be selected into something called the Hall of Fame when he's been suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs for much of his major league baseball career?
No, but let's re-think this Hall of Fame thing. Is such an honor really necessary? With the advent of the Internet, and many Hall selections debatable, can't we just do away with the entire process? Fame is supposed to be fleeting, not everlasting (is that Socrates?).
Is it wrong for a man who was suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs during his baseball career to now be a managing partner in a company called Injex 21, which specializes in needle-less drug injections?
Not at all. Personal connections and experience are the foundations of a thriving business. Good luck to Sammy Sosa.
Is it wrong for a man who won seven Tour de France titles to defiantly deny accusations of using performance-enhancing drugs after a mountain of evidence was presented by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency?
No, not if you can eventually go on Oprah …