It has come to my attention that in some quarters it’s considered acceptable to prepare cookies that are not crisp but rather “soft.”
This appalling practice was recently brought home to me when my youngest daughter – an otherwise flawless example of humanity – prepared a batch of chocolate chip cookies with no crisp crunch because, she claimed with flawed logic, “people like them.”
I can’t imagine to what people she may have been referring. Sane people? How could that be? People I know? I pray no.
Who in the world could ever prefer a cookie that was not crisp, that had no crunch? The very character of a cookie is defined by crisp crunch, and the words themselves are undeniably positive. All the best foods -- fried chicken, French fries, celery – are crisp and go crunch when you bite into them. All the worst foods – pig brains, chitterlings, rotten apples – are soft and squishy.
People may say this is a matter of taste, an individual preference. I prefer to take the 1,000 foot view…no, the 1,000 light year view. Let’s say you’re visiting Venus and you run into me, a friendly Venusian. You want to impress me with the best Earth has to offer, and so perhaps forestall the conquest of your weak Earthling culture with my superior Venusian technology. Would you hold out to my squiggling tentacles a soft cookie?! Good lord, do you wish to spark intergalactic warfare and the end of life as you know it? A crisp, crunchy cookie is for sure what you’d offer the extraterrestrial me...because you wish to impress me so that you and your decadent race may continue to live another millennium.
Or come back down to earth and consider this, under-baked soft cookies are a threat to our health. It’s been confirmed that in addition to e coli, un-cooked cookie dough may present the threat of salmonella, a potentially deadly bacterium. Soft cookies, cookies that are not subjected to the right amount of heat, can kill you, or worse yet, me.
But the health dangers of soft cookies go even further than that. Many commercial brands of cookies employ partially hydrogenated oil to give them added shelf life. And it is well documented that partially hydrogenated oil will kill you.
Some will say this tearful plea for crisp, crunchy cookies – as opposed to limp, flaccid cookies – is Quixotic, others, perhaps, a sure sign of the madness the weak-minded doctors about me continually diagnose. But I say this: if my humble plea prevents a war of the worlds that could kill billions, or even the death of one child, it would have been, more or less, worth it.
So please, crisp your cookies. It’s how they were intended. It’s the right thing to do.
Answer Book 2016
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